Funny Stories

High as Fuck

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:52:46 +0000

It was my fourth time smoking weed. I was with my buddy Talan. We would do this every weekend for about two months.
When I am high I become everything that is a black hole. I don’t talk. I eat everything; your food, my food – it doesn’t matter. Food is the number one priority and it come even before sex. I swear.
Knowing how I am when I am high, I prepared by buying large amounts of Taco Bell’s Caramel Apple Empanadas. Godfuck those are good!
I got high as fuck. I was retarded. I ate all of my food in seconds. Big mistake. My brained did not register that I wasn’t hungry anymore. So I needed food. I went to Talan’s fridge and found a fifty pound bag full of frozen burritos.
I put a burrito in the microwave. It took only two minutes to heat, but it seemed like I was going to die if starvation. So I had the best (Worst) idea ever – I would put four burritos in the microwave at the same time and cook them.
They were all frozen solid in the middle – doesn’t matter – no time! I had to get those life giving burritos in my stomach. They were delicious kind of.
When I finished eating I realized that I had eaten about four days worth of food in under an hour. My tummy didn’t like that. I spent the rest of the night couch locked and still starving but full at the same time. That was like being in hell. My stomach was so full that I could not eat even just one more bite but I was starving. That is like you are about to have sex with the hottest girl ever and not being able to get a boner. Hell.

Greases

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:52:02 +0000

It was ninth grade. At night my friends and I would hang out in the Park after dark.
The second I left my house to go meet up with them I knew this wasn’t going to be a goodnight. I had to take a shit real bad, but for some reason I did not go back home.
It hit me at Mason Park. I shit my pants. I ran to the bathroom and it was fucking locked. Fuck the janitor. I ran to the other bathroom – locked. Without any options left and pants full of shit I had to clean up somehow, so I looked in the trash can for paper.
I grabbed what I thought was a clean towel. It wasn’t. It was shitty underwear. There are never clean towels in the trash can. I found some paper and cleaned up.
So I continued hanging out with my friends.
That night I shit my pants 3 more times. I took a shit in an alley. I took another at Burger King. I went home and did it again.
This is not the last shit story you will read from me unfortunately.

Porno Thief

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:51:29 +0000

I was hanging out with my buddy AJ at the mall. I was broke but wanted something – anything. So we went to a couple shops and stole minor stuff like gum or whatever.
Went to this little video store and I did not want anything there, but my friend wanted me to steal something. He thought it was funny, so he grabbed a porno tape and stuffed it in my sweatshirt. The girl at the front saw us and waited until we went outside so the alarm could trip. It did, and she said to come back to check my jacket.
I looked at my friend and ran. There was no way in hell I was going to be caught stealing a porno – I would rather die. That is like being caught masturbating. My dumbass friend stayed. Mistake. I ran and got away. Everyone in the mall was staring. Fuck.
He told me his part of the story later… After I left the manager said, “Call Armando!” This scared my friend because Armando sounded like a buff-ass. So my friend ran and Armando chased.
He got to the parking lot and another guy intercepted and tackled my friend. He cried and they made him do pushups (haha).
I had to give back the porno. Damn it.

Mexico Trip

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:51:05 +0000

I used to work at a pizza place. One night, there were a group of 15 kids from my school met at my work to have pizza and sign up for a spring break trip to Mexico. I thought it was going to be terrible but I signed up anyway. I also convinced my friend Talan to go with me.
As it turned out, no one from that night except Talan and I signed up for the trip. So we decided to go anyway. We didn’t know what to expect but we packed and went anyway. When we arrived in Puerto Vallarta we instantly got fucked over on the exchanged rate. We got to the hotel and did a little orientation and got fucked over again by purchasing their stupid meal ticket plan. I put on my bright red cowboy hat and kept in on the rest of the trip.
We didn’t know what to do so we unpacked and bought beer and cigarettes – this would be the main part of our diet for the rest of the trip. I am going to tell the story how I remember it – I was drunk the entire week, so I might have put some of the following events in a fucked up order.
I remember going to Senior Frogs and eating an undercooked hamburger. We drank lots of tap water… (didn’t get sick). This girl was coming around with five dollar shots and I wanted to save as much money as I could, but I wasn’t about to bitch out. We have to avoid these “shot girls” the entire trip. After Senior Frogs we went to a club I had to dance, it sucked because I suck at dancing.
The next morning we got more beer and cigarettes and went to the pool. We were starving and I had already spent one hundred dollars – I only brought four hundred. So we got a meal ticket and walk to KFC barefoot. We wanted to make our feet stronger (don’t ask). KFC is gross and does not sit well with beer in the stomach, but we were starving so we slurped down every morsel.
Later that night, we were walking by a row of taxi drivers. All of the taxi driver either sell or know someone that sells weed and coke (they call it “yayo”). We walk by a little boy and he said, “yayo?” I was so excited. I followed the guy into a shady looking alley way and bought a gram. It was fifty bucks and he for sure shorted me.
The next room over was a bunch of Mexican girls, so when Talan and I got really drunk we called them over. The only girls that came over were a cute tall and skinny girl and her ok chubby friend. Neither of them spoke any English. The tall girl wasn’t too interested but the chubby girl was (Damn it!). I was super-wasted and asked Talan if she was good looking, but he was far too gone to be trusted – even though he said yes.
I did her in front of a mirror and I had been drinking for days now, and was really dehydrated. Since my skin had no water in it, I could see every cut and ripple in my muscles that poked up through my skin. I wasn’t as into the sex as much as I was into watching myself make cool poses in the mirror whilst doing her. Haha.
Unfinished…

GILF

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:50:31 +0000

I worked at a small store back in my eleventh grade year. I hated this job. I was always staring at the MILFs that came in.
Then I made a terrible mistake. I saw her from the across the store. Her body wasn’t nice. Her face had mega plastic surgery. She was at least sixty and short, with dyed blonde hair, big-ass titties, and stupid clothes. Her eyes were very bug-like. She looked like she could suck a boner right off! I didn’t care about her looks because she was nice (I‘m an idiot). She asked me for help to find some random thing. I didn’t know where it was. So I went to ask someone else.
I thought she had left and then I was called to the front to help someone out with their bags. It was her again.
I helped to the car and she asked if I smoked weed. I was surprised. I said yes. Mistake. I came over to her house that night. She gave me expensive alcohol and dank kush. I was fucked-the-hell-up.
She kissed me and I kissed back. She had big sloppy titties. I didn’t fuck her or go below the belt. Thank god.
Don’t fuck old women – they smell…bad…as fuck.

Fail Compilation

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:49:16 +0000

I will continue this list until the present and I will update it every time I think of a new one.
• In fourth grade I tried to pop a wheelie on my bicycle in front of a girl and fell and cried.
• I was talking to a girl while drunk and farted so loud that she didn’t know what to say.
• I shit my pants five times in one day in seventh grade.
• I just learned how to cartwheel and I tried to do it in front of my classmates and fell and hurt my tummy.
• I was talking to a girl in sixth grade and my friend yelled, “Sean has titties!” (this was when I was pretty fat).
• I told a girl I liked her and she asked me why? In fifth grade.
• A hitch hiker asked me for a ride and I asked for head and she said no…
• I was getting head from hot girl and she said my dick was small – I didn’t know what to say but she didn’t stop, so whatever.
• I was trying to teach this little kid how to do a trick on his bike and he called me a faggot.
• My eight grade math class was watching my friend and I play paper football and I farted very loudly.
• I tried to dress as a vampire for Halloween in preschool and I went up to the hot TA and asked her if she liked my costume and she said, “No.”
• I was walking home and a group of older kids threw onions and eggs at me.
• I was walking home the next day and they did it again.
• During an AP exam, in dead silence, my stomach growled so loudly that I didn’t even care about the test anymore – I just wanted to get out of there. I marked every answer A.
• I was caught stealing condoms at Rite Aid.
• I trip all of the time.
• More soon.

Drunk Nites

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:48:19 +0000

DRUNK NITE 1 (NOT IN ORDER) –
I got drunk one night and wanted to go to the movies. I mean, we were really fucking gone. I was with my friend Nirms and this dumbass kid named Tre. On the way to the movies we stopped at Del Taco. I had to piss really badly and could not wait. So in the middle on the drive through I got out with a line of cars staring at my wiener and pissed on the plants near the menu. I got back in the car and both of my friends got out and did the same thing.
We got to the movies and decided to see 300. In the theater I could not sit still. I had the spins and I had to keep getting up every five minutes to go piss. I finally got fed up with getting up so much that I decided to piss right where I was. I downed a beer and got my dick out of my pants and put the tip in the hole of the can. The Asian guy next to me looked at me like I was insane and turned his head away. I continued and pissed mostly on my shorts and hand. I placed the beer in the cup holder and walked outside. My friend drank the piss.
When I got outside I knew that I only had seconds to get to my car before I would pass out. A security guard was following me, but I kept walking. He got about two feet behind me and said, “Sir! Are you ok?” I said, “Yeah,” then instantly threw up all over the side wall of theater and kept walking. I got to my car and fell asleep. Nice.
Drunk Nite 2 (Not in Order) –
Played beer pong with Nirms and Tre again. Had twenty beers. I don’t remember much of that night except almost fingering my cousin and doing meth.
Meth is terrible. It is the worst thing ever and I think if you do it more than once you are insane.
Drunk Nite 3 (Not in Order) – The day we don’t speak of
Trevor, Bryan, and I worked at Vincenzo’s Pizza. We met a bum that looked like Billy Idol one night at work. He sang karaoke and got drunk and made a scene.
The next day we asked him to buy us alcohol. It was a Saturday and we all woke up early to go to the park and try shrooms for the first time.
We split an eight between three people. Nothing happened after an hour, so we decided to get drunk and do NOS. Bryan and I killed two Captain Morgan bottles in ten minutes… ten minutes later we couldn’t walk.
We made it into Trevor’s car and he drove us to my house. Bryan and I almost destroyed his car by punching it. Our hands were covered in blood.
The neighbor ratted us out and told my stepdad. My stepdad came around the block where we were sitting and picked us up. My friend Bryan thought we were being mugged and tried to give my stepdad his wallet.
I spent the next day throwing up. I didn’t drink a sip of alcohol for a year after that.

Doin Big Things

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:47:44 +0000

I had hooked up with many a fatty before. This was by far the worst – I mean fattest. I speared a cow.
It was a beautiful summer night – great for partying outside. We just stole a keg from the pizza place I used to work at and we intended on finishing it. Next to pizza place was a church where we used to hang out at night.
The church was perfectly hidden. No one ever bothered us and there were never any cops that came to check the spot.
We brought the keg there and started drinking. I love beer. There were about 15 close friends. I was avoiding the girl all night, but she and I both knew that it was inevitable.
When I was trashed she came up to me and whispered some gay shit in my ear. I laid her down in the dirt and grass next to the church. I don’t know how I got hard.
Everyone was watching but I couldn’t tell at the time. I didn’t finish and felt very used. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I sprinted home and left my car at the church. When I got home I took a hot shower and passed out.
Don’t fuck fatties. Not even once. Unfortunately, like many of my other stories this will not be the last time this has happened.

Cid Night

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:47:02 +0000

It was my first and last time trying acid. It was about a week before my twentieth birth day. I was terrified. I had done a report on it in ninth grade so I knew a lot about it. The thing that scared me was the fact that my friends friend had just done some and went to a mental hospital… fuck that shit.
So I drove to UCSB with my buddy Nil and got four tabs. I thought I would wait until it was the perfect day. I wanted to have the best day ever and then take it so I would be in a nice and happy state of mind. I assumed this would stop any bad trip.
I put two tabs under my tongue at 6:00 PM. Instantly I felt a slight placebo effect – it was sort of like a glow around stuff.
One hour went by with this fucking glowing… I was getting restless and nervous. It was 7:30 PM and I went outside in my backyard and start noticing all of the grass and plants look way more beautiful than ever before.
It really started to kick in at 8:00 PM. The agenda for the night was go to my friend Jastin’s house and then go to my friend Meegans party. I was going to say, “Fuck it,” but I decided to just do it.
It was 8:45 PM and we were on our way to Jastin’s; I drove perfectly (haha). The acid was going strong, but it was indistinguishable from a shroom trip (at this point anyway).
When I got out of my car it felt like I stepped into another world. My friend gave me a cigarette and I inhaled the whole goddamn thing. I held in the smoke and ghosted the hit.
I went inside the house and sat on the couch. No one there knew that I was on acid. My friend’s brother knew something was different about me – he started to poke at me just like the fucking asshole that he always acts like. I wanted to and should have killed him – but I was couch locked. I listened to whatever gibberish he was saying.
His body started to stretch out and his head looked so stupid. I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t speak very well.
We went to the party at Los Toros. I hadn’t been in there for a long time, and I didn’t remember the layout. So I figured that if I just follow someone to the table everything will be fine – WRONG.
I started to follow my friend Jastin and he turned into this little Zelda character. He was leading me through this maze of colors. I couldn’t take it, so I tried to cut in front of him, but I took a wrong turn in the middle of a bar and everybody stared at me. My pupils were as big as they could get so I assumed everyone knew what I was on.
I just wanted to get back to the little gnome (Jastin) and get to the table. I found him and he lead me through what seemed to be eight or nine big ass rooms. All of the tables were placed in a way that made the room look and feel like a maze – and only the gnome knew the way. Fuck gnomes.
I got to the table and there were like 15 of my friends and about 10 people I didn’t know. I sat down and looked like I was on heroine the rest of the night. I didn’t say a word to anyone.
I saw girl there sitting in the middle of the table that I had never met or seen before. It may have been the acid but she was the most gorgeous bitch ever. Everything about seemed to be accentuated by the acid. Then she got up and it looked like she slid to every place she went. That scared the shit out of me so I stopped looking.
After the party I went home and laid on my couch. I looked up at the ceiling and saw hundreds of babies dancing Egyptian style. I went to 7 Eleven and got four packs of Mike & Ike candy. I went back to the couch and laid there and chugged candy until 1:00 AM. By now the trip had only gotten stronger.
I needed to sleep because I had work the next day. I went to my bed and closed my eyes. I saw only bright purple with my eyes closed. I finally got to sleep and was relieved to wake up not on acid.
I went to work happy as fuck and had a new outlook. My co-worker chewed me out for something and all I remember thinking was that her little tantrum that was meant to make me feel bad had only reassured me that I control my happiness. Bitch.

Bic Pen Smoke

viewmypoint — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:46:03 +0000

I was hanging out with my friend Jeff and James. It was the last day of ninth grade. We were going to hike up in the hills and Jeff brought some weed. We were all supposed to smoke.
I had never tried it before, but I was ready. I brought an apple pipe. We found a cool tunnel and decided to smoke inside of it. I tried to spark up the apple and for some unknown reason the apple pipe wasn’t working. So Jeff got fed up and took out a Bic pen and hollowed it out.
He packed weed in the end of it and took a fatty rip of Bic pen smoke and weed. I did the same and started to cough. I cough for at least ten minutes as hard as I could and I almost threw up. I remember thinking why would anyone do this? While I was coughing James took a hit and inhaled a flaming weed ember through the pen (he also smoked plastic like Jeff and me). He started to choke – seriously. He was going to choke to death.
I was laughing because of this scene and coughing to hard to help him. Luckily, Jeff gave him the Heimlich maneuver.
We walked down to my friend Trevor’s house – all of us high as a kite. We got there and Trevor knew we were high instantly. We stormed his kitchen and raiding the pantry. I sat on his couching chugging food as fast as I could get it down.
I was laughing so I could chew very well or keep the food in my mouth and off of his carpet. So his kicked us out of his house. With nothing to do, we sat on his curb until we weren’t high.
Terrible.